


Still Not Calling it Fate

by Fictropes



Series: 25 fics advent [4]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Attempt at Humor, M/M, Strangers to Lovers, Texting, Wrong number, mentions of depression and anxiety, non-youtuber dan and phil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:02:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27697349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fictropes/pseuds/Fictropes
Summary: It’s become a bit of a thing, a bit of a thing that everyone he crosses paths with takes the piss out of him for
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: 25 fics advent [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2022262
Comments: 168
Kudos: 136





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Wellllll hello!!!!!! welcome to teh first chapter of my 'no we're not calling it fate' rewrite. The original original was chaptered so i've decided to go back to that for this as it works better for time progression!!!! The concept is the same but it's.. very different :P. (though there may be a couple of texts you recognise if you read the original, but that's about it!)
> 
> welcome the no we're not calling it fate 2... the more unhinged 2020 version.

It’s become a bit of a thing, a bit of a thing that everyone he crosses paths with takes the piss out of him for. His mum is just— she’s a bit eager, a bit desperate because Dan’s nearly thirty and apparently that’s prime age for popping out babies. Not that he'll be the one popping it out, unless you believe the high-school rumour that they come out your arsehole. And he definitely won’t be making anyone else pop one out, decided on that years ago—when he spent all his time dreamily looking at men on public transport. 

It’s beside the point anyway, his mum really should stop trying to set him up with poor unsuspecting strangers. It’s been a solid seven years and she still isn’t getting the hint, just tuts when Dan tells her he hasn’t produced a baby with random coffee shop woman number fifteen. 

Today he’s not expecting it, though. She’s literally out of the country— now apparently trying to set him with the French.

**_[10:05am] She’s lovely, Daniel. And she’s on holiday, of course, due to come back to England next weekend. You should try, you’d make a lovely couple. Let me know when you've test her, I really think she could be the one. x_ **

He wants to astral project into the fucking sun—he wants to text her back and tell her he’s looking for cock, but in a nice way. 

Maybe he should just send her his twitter, 6001 gay tweets ready and waiting— but instead he does what he always does. He waits a few hours until she gets unbearable, until she threatens to text mystery woman herself and Dan gives in. 

-

[4:45pm] I literally don’t know how to word this without sounding like the biggest loser on planet earth, which I am but whatever. Idk if you’ve met my mum or what, but apparently she’s trying to set us up? Even tho I have no clue who the fuck you are and you could be a cannibal for all I know. Just text me back and say no so I can give her literal photo evidence, please. DH

[4:47pm] No offence, but this is the funniest text i've ever received. Idk what you are talking about, tbh. They probably gave a fake number and now you have me, who is actually.. yeah, out for human flesh. PL   
But before I eat you.. Oh my god, is your mum really going around showing your photo to strangers? -PL  
  


[4:49pm] At this point you may as well fucking spit roast me. DH  
  


[4:52pm] Woah there, I save that for the second date. PL   
Does she do this often? Kinda obsessed with whatever is going on in your life. PL  
  


[4:55pm] Really? Spit roast is a first date sort of thing, kissing second.. holding hands third. DH   
She does it often enough that I have had to do this text about twenty five times, and each time I sound more insane than the last. She’s getting proper desperate now cos i’m nearly thirty, she actually got your number in fucking France. DH  
  


[4:57pm] Tell her this time it worked perfectly, we're very happy together and we’re moving to France to become professional snail racers. PL   
Ekkk! Twenty-five. Are you that gross :/? Idk if I want to be speaking to someone who hasn’t even met their soulmate from twenty five random non-hookups. Also i feel terrible cos i’m thirty three, and I'm texting you. PL  
  


[4:57pm] That was legit well mean. DH  
And.. Oh, are we? You don't even know my name, snail racing is definitely fourth date + knowing each others names. -DH   
I'll be happy to pass on your details to my mum, you can have a turn instead. DH  
  


[4:59pm] I don't! Can I guess? DH... Dom, Dog, Dave, Danny, Denial. -PL  
  


[5:00pm] I mean, I live permanently in a state of denial so that’s actually it. DH   
But it’s actually Dan, call me Danny and i’ll be dropping out of the spitroast. DH  
  


[5:02pm] You can’t, i’ve sent out invitations and everything. p.s my name is Phil. PL   
And also you have to now permanently keep me updated on shenanigans, lemme know who you eventually settle on. Girl .. 51, maybe. PL  
  


[5:05pm] Ha! Well, as the honorary gay cousin.. DH  
  
  
[5:06pm] OH!!!!! PLOT TWIST OF THE CENTURY. Kinda funny that, as the gay cousin myself, this is like the only good number your mum has ever given you. PL  
  


[5:07pm] Good? You might be a straight up axe-murderer who refuses to eat anything but cheese. You might live in a cave with the bodies. DH  
My mum has fully given me over to a serial killer. DH  
  


[5:09pm] Firstly, Daniel, i’m straight up offended cos cheese is actually rank. PL  
  


[5:11pm] Right, yeah, that’s the part you dispute. Sorry, I don’t like cheese! But I will invite you to my cave and cut all your fucking limbs off? DH  
Please, please get your priorities right. DH  
  


[5:14pm] hehe, why would I dispute that what is true? PL  
Kidding… unless.. no I am kidding. I’m like too big and obvious to get away with murder, unless you count the string of dead plants i’ve left in my wake. PL  
I count them :(. RIP all 5 Susans and the one Greg. Forever in my thoughts, hope you’re living it up in leafy heaven. PL  
  
  
[5:19pm] On the phone to the police as we speak, the plants will finally get the justice they deserve. DH  
  
  
[5:21pm] Fully get it, fully understandable. If they ask.. they’re buried at the bottom of the garden. PL  
  


[5:23pm] Idiot. DH  
All plants are buried. DH  
  
  
[5:25pm] Ouch, Danny. PL  
  


[5:27pm] Ok, mister, you asked for it. Good luck finding someone else for the spitroast this late. DH  
  


[5:29pm] nooooooo :(. Not my beautiful, beautiful spitroast. PL  
I’ll stop. Perfect behaviour from now on. PL  
  


[5:31pm] It’s been like twenty minutes and I fully don’t believe you’re capable of behaving. DH  
  


[5:33pm] Well.. I don’t think you’re capable of finding love. PL  
  
  
sorry, wow. I did not mean for that to be that harsh. You are very capable.. I love you. PL  
  


[5:35pm] Don’t remind me, please. I get enough of that from her. DH  
  
  
[5:37pm] Oh no, I feel very evil now. I think you are capable of anything! Flying, even. PL  
[5:45pm] I didn’t meaaaaaaaan it. PL  
[6:01pm] Sorry :(. I cliffhangered myself, didn’t I? Now i’ll never know if you meet the love of you life via gay text. PL

-

Firstly the club is too dark, but not even in a fun way. It’s the sort of dark where you can’t really find your way around, but the bright lights that occasionally flash over head are perfect for highlighting your ever flaw. He came in here feeling alright then realised his curls were flat, and he had a spot on his chin he hadn’t even known about until he caught it on one of the ceiling mirrors.  
  


It’s just the last place on earth he wants to be, but he knows he needs to leave his house more than once a week.  
  


“Daniel.”  
  
  
“Mhm?” He already knew, already knew he was about to be told off for staring down at his phone when he was supposed to be fully embracing tonight— the whole party lifestyle shit.  
  


There are more than enough people here, he could do with cutting down the crowd by at least half. They’re all dressed more for a party than him, he sort of sticks out like a sore thumb— a boring one.A woman on the dance floor keeps giving him the eye, and he wants to write i’m gay on his forehead just so he doesn’t have to keep going around announcing it.  
  


“Pretty sure I told you about the whole speaking to people thing.” Sam is petting at his hair, twisting a curl around her finger before letting it spring back. The complete tactile nature of her had thrown him off at first, made him do that whole hetero thought process _of oh god, she’s into me._ She’d sort of bashed him in the back of the foot with a broom when she’d found that out, got angry about the fact that Dan hadn’t noticed her lesbian vibes.  
  


Now they’re what you’d call evil, evil friends. They like each other a lot but everyone around them assumes they’re enemies— it works for them.  
  


“I am speaking to people, just with my fingers as opposed to my mouth. Not my fault you’re little miss popular and people here actually approach you, they just stare at me like i’m a fucking tree who got blown in off the street.”  
  


“I mean, you are very tall.”  
  


“Oh, fuck off.” The pet turns into a tug, forces him to tip his head backwards or risk losing a curl. He stares up at her behind him, perched on the table like some little goblin. “What?”  
  


“Make an effort, just one person.” She gives him the smile that says _do it or else._ Dan wants to argue, his phone is dinging away in his hand and, for some reason, he’s heavily invested in texting back the guy who’s insulted him twice.   
  


“One.” Dan agrees, and he means it. He’s really not in the mood to talk to strangers tonight, especially half drunk ones who sort of hate him due the last time he turned up at a Sam party— _maybe_ he’d drank to forget and took a nice little nap in a pile of his own vomit.  
  


“Good boy, run along.” She gives him a little pat, and when he doesn’t respond to that she threatens to choose someone in the room for him— makes him get up and practically run. The last time that had happened it resulted in an awful one night stand with a bloke who thought he was capable of gymnastics.  
  


He goes for the least threatening person in the room— shorter than him, wearing a Dr Who t-shirt, constantly glancing nervously toward the door. If anyone looks less comfortable about being here than Dan, it's this guy.   
  


“Hi.” He smiles, towers over him in a way he sort of enjoys sometimes. “I’m Dan.”  
  
  
“Mark.”  
  


“My words?” He doesn’t laugh. Dan soon finds out he really doesn’t laugh at all, though.  
  


Non-Threatening doesn’t really mean.. non-boring. Mark has been speaking to him for ten minutes about the benefits of a sit on lawnmower over a manual lawnmower, proper enthusiastic about fucking grass and— god, Dan should’ve gone for the guy in the corner who could’ve knocked him out with one punch. He should stop judging people based on appearance.  
  


“So— do you want to see pictures? I have pictures of my back garden from both manual and sit on, I really think everyone should see the difference.” Mark is already getting his phone out, but Dan has reached his limit. He excuses himself, bolts off like he really is going to piss himself at any second.  
  


Getting out of there is easier said than done, the floor is sticky with a mixture of things he doesn’t even want to think about. Sam catches his eye, but then just rolls hers and lets him go off and do his own thing. She gets it, when to push and when to back down— it’s why they work so well.  
  


He finds himself out back in the little beer garden, blissfully empty unless you count the pigeon on the wall that won’t stop staring at him. He ends up with his phone back out, ready to text a complete strangers despite the one million warnings he’d been given in school about that exact thing. 

-

[7:01pm] Yeah, well, I don’t love you back. DH}  
  
  
[7:03pm] Hello!!!!!!! PL  
And that’s ok.. i’m used to it. PL  
  
  
[7:05pm] Noooooo, you don’t get to make me feel bad when you’re the one who was mean in the first place. DH  
  


[7:07pm] Hehhehehe. Sorry :). PL  
Missed you. Very upsetting hour without my spitroast partner in crime. PL  
  


[7:09pm] If you were really sorry you’d come and take my place at this fucking horrendous party. Just had a guy speaking to me about lawnmowers for a solid fifteen minutes. DH  
  


[7:11pm] Did you want to be.. mowed down? PL  
  


[7:12pm] I pretend I do not see it. DH  
  


[7:13pm] That was some of my finest work! Plz acknowledge. PL  
  


[7:14pm] I’ll acknowledge your mum. DH  
  


[7:15pm] With what? PL  
  


[7:16pm] Shutup, you’re banned. DH  
  


[7:17pm] From the party? Oh no :( I was just coming over to take your place, guess i’ll have to turn back around. PL  
  


[7:19pm] God. Really wish that were fucking true. I’ll even let you wear my skin, really sell it. DH  
  


[7:20pm] Don’t offer people your skin, Daniel. PL  
  


[7:21pm] Ungrateful. I moisturise and everything. DH  
  


[7:23pm] Ok, listen, I would LOVE your skin but I will look a bit dodgy with it. Even if i’m like hi he gave it to me I still don’t think people would understand? PL  
  


[7:25pm] Just know i’ll never offer it again. DH  
What are you doing? Something fun? Something nice? DH  
  


[7:27pm] Will you boo me if I say i’m in my pyjamas already? Also I am watching anime, also I’m on my second bag of popcorn. PL  
  


[7:28pm] I wish I was fucking you. DH  
  


[7:31pm] Be careful with that wording. Might get the wrong idea. PL  
  


[7:32pm] And the spit roast didn’t give you the wrong idea? DH  
  


[7:35pm] No. Why would it? Just a normal weekend activity. PL  
  


[7:39pm] Losing my mind. DH  
Ok. been found hiding, byebyeyeyeyeyeyye. Bye. DH

-

[10:05am] I am literally never drinking again. -DH  
  


[10:07am] Going to assume you said that the last time you got drunk, too? I don’t believe you >:(. -PL  
  


[10:09am] You don't know me enough to not believe that sentence!!!!! Maybe i’ve never had a drink in my life before and last night was just like a first time for me. DH  
  


[10:11am] Sure, sure. PL  
Also we might actually be like secret best friends irl without even knowing it, or neighbours.. or we’ve met on grindr. PL  
  


[10:14am] Firstly why would I not have my best friends number? Do we usually communicate by the fucking stars? Secondly my neighbour is super annoying so by admitting to that you’re admitting to also being annoying. DH  
Grindr was a quick install and delete. DH  
  


[10:21am] Yes!!!! Oh my god, did you see what the star were saying last night? What little biatches. PL  
Idk what my neighbours think of me, tbh, beyond they like it when I give them their parcels. I might be annoying, or they might love the amount of noise I make from constantly dropping stuff. PL  
  


[10:25am] There is one key thing that will prove whether or not you’re my neighbour. DH  
  


[10:25am] Go on, i'm ready. I've never been more ready for anything in my entire life. -PL  
  


[10:29am] Do you have a really, really loud wank every morning to the theme tune from the sound of music? DH  
  


[10:32am] No :(. I actually do it to the soundtrack from Chicago. PL  


  
[10:35am] Oh, a man of taste, I see. DH  
  


[10:37am] First honest to god compliment you’ve given me. Feel like I should print it out and put it on the fridge. Thanks, Daniel. PL  
  


[10:39am] I let it slide last night, but stop with the Daniel. I feel like I'm being scolded. -DH  
  


[10:41am] Maybe I am scolding you. PL  
In sexy, sexy way. PL  
  


[10:45am] Explain. DH  
  


[10:47am] Just saying, this is obviously fate. Like you text me and i’m the best person you’ve ever met? Fate. PL  
  


[10:49am] Ok, but, ignoring that, what is sexy about it? DH  
  


[10:51am] Don’t question my methods. PL  
  


[10:55am] Phil, please, I am too hungover for whatever you are trying to tell me. DH  
  


[10:57am] Nothing, i’m just like idk. Being silly, having fun. This has never happened to me before and I don’t know how to act. PL  
  


[10:59am] How do you normally act? DH  
  


[11:01am] Definitely not like this, i’m definitely like normal :). PL  
  


[11:05am] You’re so weird. DH  
[11:55am] Shit, sorry, I meant that in a nice way. I like it. Sorry. I’m such a dick sometimes. DH  
  


[11:59am] I was in the shower, but very cute that you care about my feelings. PL  
  


[12:01pm] Mate, why the fuck was your shower fifty minutes long? DH  
  


[12:05pm] sometimes you just have to sit on the floor and think!!!!! PL  
  


[12:07pm] My depression showers aren’t even that long. DH  
  


[12:09pm] Ok, well, welcome to my anxiety showers. PL

-

Sam barrels through his door with all the determination of a 4’9 lesbian with pink hair and wonky eyeliner. Honestly he hadn’t known she was here until he heard his shower about half an hour ago, for a second he convinced himself he was getting burgled by someone who was a bit self conscious about body odour. Then the familiar singing started, screechy and off key— comforting, honestly.  
  


“I’ve been sleeping on your sofa that is, by the way, made out of concrete, and you don’t even come out and say hello?” Sam demands, wasting no time in diving straight into his bed. “Stop with the aesthetics over comfort.”  
  


His bed is nice, his bed is so so nice. Made out of clouds, probably. He could stay in it all day, but he knows that won’t be allowed when he stinks and— fuck, he needs to brush his teeth, they feel furry.  
  


“You usually sleep in here! I didn’t even know you were out there.” He whines, shuffles closer until he can pillow his head on her thigh. She stops being mad in about five seconds, cant help but play with Dan’s curls when they’re just _there._ They’re Sam bait and he uses them at every opportunity.  
  


“Yeah, well, someone had a case of weird legs last night. I made your drunk arse come home and was rewarded with you kicking me every other second.” He honestly doesn't’ remember what happened past lawnmower guy, just remembers pretty cocktails and— fuck, he did something stupid.  
  


He makes a noise that Sam tuts at, but she’s still petting him like he’s a cat— he thinks they’re alright. “You climbed on a table and smashed your head on a light, ignored the bleeding and instead shouted lawn mowers eat balls. You looked like you wanted to do a stage dive, but there was definitely no one there to catch you.”  
  


“Nooooo.” Dan cries, pushes his head beneath the hoodie Sam is wearing and wonders if he can stay there forever. She’d probably look a little bit weird when she tries to explain _yes i’m pregnant with a six foot tall baby.  
  
_

_“_ Get out of there, you're gonna rip my belly button ring out and then I will have no choice but to surrender you to Mark. How do I know it was Mark? He ran out after you declared your lawnmower hatred.” Sam makes sound effects as she pushes Dan out, they probably aren’t dramatic enough for how much it’d actually hurt to give birth to baby Dan.  
  


“You’re such a lesbian.”  
  


“You’re such a homo.”  
  


“Mhm.” Dan snuggles back into her, “that means _you_ can put me in the shower and you won’t objectify me and my bod. My legs are too wobbly.” 

-

[1:11pm] Too early for the relatable mental illness talk? PL  
  


[1:15pm] Ha, no, never. We can mutual therapy eachother. My friend was just forcing me to get up and act like I belong in normal society. DH  
  


[1:17pm] Are you a good therapist? One time someone asked for my advice and I just told them to uber eats a McDonalds for some ‘good fun times’. PL  
  


[1:19pm] I mean.. Mcdonalds is kinda sexy. DH  
I’m more a gossip-monger than a therapist, comes with the job of cutting peoples hair. They sit down, they tell me about their awful awful stupid boyfriend and I tell them.. dump them? I say dump them, throw all their stuff from a window. DH  
  


[1:23pm] You’re a hairdresser?!?! One time I tried to cut my own hair. PL  
  


[1:25pm] Pics or it didn’t happen. DH  
  


[1:29pm] Erm.. here. Birdseye view of the top of my head Don’t judge too hard?plz. PL  
  


[1:31pm] Fuck. Did you use the actual scissors instead of the thinning scissors? DH  
  


[1:32pm] How did u know!!!!!! PL  
  


[1:35pm] The massive fuck off chunk of hair missing! I’m also trying to decide if going way higher up on one side was a like a design choice or a mistake. DH  


  
[1:37pm] i said no bullying :(. PL  
  


[1:39pm] Just wait until what I have to say about the tip of your left ear. DH  
  


[1:41pm] I have good ears, my mum told me. PL  
  


[1:45pm] Surprised you didn’t manage to cut it off. DH  
  


[1:47pm] Have you ever cut someones ear off? PL  
  


[1:49pm] Just the one. DH  
  


[1:51pm] :O van gogh? PL  
  


[1:55pm] WELL now I am thinking about that one Doctor Who ep and i’m very upset. DH  
  


[1:57pm] Oh noooo. Now I am too ! I made us both upset and for what? a joke :(. Let’s erase the last few minutes from our mind! That ep doesn’t exist and you’ve never even cut someones ear of before. DH  
  


[1:59] Deal. Just so I can pretend and live the next few minutes in peace. DH  
Lol kidding I am going to think about it all day, probs end with me watching it later… catch you on the other side. The other side is me sobbing into a pillow. DH  
  


[2:00pm] hehehe (but in a sad way). PL  
Have you told your mum you’ve finally found the texting person of you dreams? PL  
  


[2:01pm] I told her i’m texting the number she gave me which.. isn’t a lie :). DH  
  


[2:03pm] I love being part of your lying little scheme. If you wanna really sell it you can text her that photo of my hair. PL  
  


[2:05pm] Thanks for finding me a person who’s desperately in need of my services. Not only can we date but I can also charge them every four weeks for fixing their mop. DH  
  


[2:07pm] Oh :( is it not free? A perk of dating you. PL  
  


[2:11pm] What free thing can you give me in return? DH  
  


[2:13pm] My personality :). PL  
  


[2:15pm] You’re really willing to give all that away for free? DH  
  


[2:17pm] :o was that a compliment? Dan approval? Dan recognition? PL  
  


[2:19pm] Yeah. DH  
  


[2:21pm] Oh, well, now I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m blushing? PL  
  


[2:25pm] Then i’d better not tell you the tip of your left ear is well sexy ;). DH  
  


[2:27pm] Ekkkkkk! Put that wink away, Dan!!! PL  
  


[2:29pm] Or wot? DH  
  


[2:31pm] I will die? My grave will say K.O via ear compliment. PL  
  


[2:35pm] God. Can I say i’m a bit obsessed with everything you’ve ever said or? DH  
  


[2:39pm] nooooooo, now you’re really trying to kill me :(. PL  
  


[2:41pm] I be nice and I get accused of trying to murder? -DH  
  


[2:45pm] Yeah let’s go back to talking about spitroasts. PL  
  


[2:47pm] Who’s the third participant? DH  
  


[2:49pm] So it’s you, me and my overwhelming need to please. PL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and there we have it!!!!! I just really, really loved the concept but hated how I wrote in 2015 lol so I wanted to redo it how i'd write it today! Thanks to everyone for beign so nice about the original tho :P i am just a baby with too much cringe. 
> 
> as alwasy lemme know what you think! I am PARTICULARLY interested in what you think of this if you read the original ;_; thankuwu <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to amy and sierra for the vibe checks

[1:01am] Happy one week anniversary. PL

[1:05am] Mate, it’s well late. DH

[1:07am] You’re up :). PL

[1:09am] Yeah, yeah. What’re you buying me? DH

[1:11am] A bf. PL

[1:12am] Offfft, hope you get paid well. DH

Oi, oi, oi. Actually. You never did tell me what you do. DH

[1:13am] Shave horses. PL

[1:15am] For what purpose? DH

[1:16am] Aerodynamic ones. PL

[1:17am] Shave me? DH

[1:19am] Shave yourself, Mr Hairdresser. PL

[1:21am] Some places are hard to reach! DH

[1:22am] Hairy toes? PL

[1:24am] Yeah, that’s what I was going for. DH  
What do you actually do? You give off the i’m scared of horses vibe. DH

[1:27am] I do not! PL

[1:29am] But u are. DH

[1:31am] :(. they are just so big! Nothing needs to be that big and like murdery. PL

[1:33am] You been murdered by a horse before? DH

[1:35am] Ya. texting u from my cloud up in heaven. PL

[1:37am] What is it that you do up there? DH

[1:39am] Ughhhh, fine. I am on like the radio. PL

[1:41am] Wtf, i’m going to bed. DH

[1:45am] You’re so intimidated. PL 

-

“You’re very much not with it today, Howell.” He’s in the room, but technically his brain is off somewhere else— thinking about radio show hosts and horses.

“I am, I am. I just did the best dye-job, did you see that?” He’s still washing it off his hands, stood at the sink desperately trying to wash off all the green. He can do this in his sleep now, walk through cuts and blowdries with his eyes shut. 

“I did, yeah, but your eyes were glazed over the entire time.” Sam budges him away from the sink, takes his hands in her own. “You’re gonna take the top layer of your skin of, stop it. Sit. I’ll clean you up.”

Dan does as he’s told, plonks down into the chair and off he goes again. He’s in a really horrible mood today, doesn’t want to be here because his phone keeps going off in his pocket and— _Phil.  
  
_

He’s just a bit invested in the entire thing, of texting a stranger because it’s the only exciting thing going on right now. Half of the time he feels like he’s on auto-pilot, he goes to work, he goes to therapy, he spends his night folded up in the corner of his sofa looking at shit on the internet. Now there’s something else, now he’s fixated on it.

“Oi, earth to Dan. What’re you thinking about.” He’s not purposely being ignorant, just thinking about what he can text Phil when he gets the chance. He spends a lot of time doing that lately, devising his next thing to sound cool— more interesting than he is. It never overly works, all plans go out the window and he ends up saying something that’s verging on unhinged. 

“Just like— god. Life. I don’t know.” He’s watching the green go down the sink, half-tempted to make a joke about Shrek but that’d probably offend Sam cos it was her girlfriends hair he’d just dyed. “Jules was high, wasn’t she?”  


“No, shutup. She had to go to work after this.”

“She was something. What’s your thing? Gotta tell me if you wanna know my thing.” 

“You do have a thing then.” She dries him off, pats his hand down with a towel that’s seen better days.Everything in here is so colourful, when he’d first come in here for a job she’d nearly rejected him. “You tell me your thing first.”

Dan slumps down against the counter, decides playing with a pair of scissors is better than the whole eye contact thing. Sam just has this thing, can see right through him. “I’ve been speaking to someone.”

  
  
“Oh? Oh? Dan, oh?” Sam pokes and prods and takes the scissors from his hand because _they’re dangerous, are you a child?_ “A someone? A someone you like?” 

“Yeah, I think so.” He stops the slumping, sits up for this— for this honesty. “Don’t laugh.”

“Promise.” She zips her lips, then goes a step further and slams her hand over her mouth. 

“You know that thing my mum does? Well someone gave her a wrong number and when I texted it I got this guy called Phil and— I dunno.” He shrugs, feels sheepish trying to explain it outloud. It all sounded a bit less insane in his brain. “We’ve been texting for a week and, yeah, I just think he’s— good. Alright. Whatever.” 

Credit to Sam she doesn’t laugh, instead gently removes her hand from her face and places it on Dan’s knee. “How old is he?” 

“Thirty-three.”

  
  
“What’s he look like?”

  
  
“I—“ Dan has no idea, he has a whole thing in his head but, he really has no idea. They’d never gotten around to asking, and he thinks that’s a good thing, being so into someone’s personality that you forget they have an actual face. “Don’t kill me for saying I don’t know.”

  
  
“Has Mr they have to be tall and pouty fallen for a personality?” Sam laughs, forces Dan up out of his seat and into setting up for the next customer. He can do it in a second, whines about it all the time, but she’s proper obsessed with the nightmare of being late. He rolls in one minute before opening, and she’s there at 6:30am sweeping up non-existent hair. “Must be funny.”

“Whatever.” Dan dumps too much pink into a bowl, scrapes it out and wipes it down the front of his jeans. He’d learnt long ago to ditch the dream of looking constantly put together, always covered in something. “Now your turn.”

“Waaaah.” 

“You said!”

  
  
“Fine, fine.” Sam stops what she’s doing, meaning it _must_ be important— something big. “Me and Jules are looking at the whole buying a house thing and— Dan, sit.”

“Me sit?” 

“Yes, you sit.” 

“Well, fuck.” There’s about a million and one things racing through his mind right now, none of them overly good. He’s a worrier, can’t help it, something he’s been trying to work through for years. His therapist says it’s fine, can take time, then he starts worrying about not winning therapy. It’s a loop of _oh god, oh god, oh god._ Today he thinks he’s right to worry, that the look on Sam’s face means he’s about to hear something he’s not going to enjoy.

“You know I was never—i’ve spoken about moving before, yeah?” Her leg is bouncing, gently hitting the counter top and making all the little shampoos shake. 

“I suppose, yeah.” Probably. Maybe. Dan has an awful habit of blocking out things he doesn’t want to hear, pretends he’d never heard them at all. 

“Well, we’ve found somewhere. It’s not— Jules is from Australia.” 

“Australia.”  


“Yeah, Dan.” 

-

[11:01am] You’re probs at work. PL

[11:05am] The fact you had last week off has like spoilt me. PL

[11:21am] Just saw a dog. PL

[12:01pm] Am I allowed four pancakes for late breakfast? PL

[12:51pm] Ok well now I am just in a coma. PL

[1:31pm] Can you cut my hair? PL

[2:01pm] Have you seen what cashews look like whilst they’re on a tree? PL

[2:31pm] Do you think i’ll be fired if I wear my penis t-shirt? PL

[2:45pm] Ok. bye, bye, bye. Radio time. -PL

[5:05pm] Well, those were some personal adventures. DH 

[6:05pm] There you are! PL

[6:07pm] What time is your show? Feel like I should listen. DH

[6:09pm] It’s every week night except for Monday, Monday is just like a prep day. Make sure all my idea can actually work. Soooo, tomorrow it’s on at six. PL

[6:11pm] Then I guess i’ll see you tomorrow at six. DH

[6:13pm] Eeee! Why am I so nervous :3. PL

[6:15pm] Jheeezus. We in 2012? DH

[6:17pm] Some emojis do not get the mood across enough! PL

[6:19pm] the furry mood? DH

[6:21pm] Exactly ;3. PL

[6:25pm] xD. DH

[6:27pm] See! Doesn’t if feel good, doesn’t it feel right. PL

[6:29pm] Wotever. How’d you get into radio anyway? DH

[6:31pm] Oh! Fun times. My brother is like a dj and something happened that resulted in me having to fill in for him one time at a family wedding? It was no good. I can’t dj… I was like oh god here’s cotton eyed Joe remixed with Despacito. Apparently I was funny, though. There was an exec there as a guest and ta-da I ended up on the radio. PL

[6:35pm] So you fell into a dream job via being unhinged at a wedding? fairy tale life. DH

[6:37pm ]I spent years working in a hell office with hell clients who were asking me why I couldn’t transform their crap product into a best seller via the power of advertisement. Like no, Susan, your hoover that you claim can float isn’t gonna sell if you can’t give me footage of it floating. PL

[6:39pm] Hmmm, idk. You just sound like a bad salesman. DH

[6:41pm] !!!!! y do people always take the floating hoovers side. PL

[6:45pm] Idk, you tell me. DH

[6:47pm] :(. PL  
I’m gonna tell everyone you’re being mean to me. PL  
  
[6:49pm] Live on air? DH

[6:51pm] Helloooo bbc radio one listeners, one third of the spit roast is bullying me. PL

[6:53pm] Sure. Why not. DH

[6:57pm] Not to psychoanalyse but u ok? Seem less objective to my whims than usual. PL

[7:01pm] Sorry. Just life. DH

[7:05pm] Wanna talk about it? :(. PL  


[7:09pm] Do you want to hear about it? DH

[7:11pm] Yeah, course. -PL

[7:21pm] Right. So. My best friend Sam, and my boss, mentioned today that her and her girlfriend are thinking about buying a house. Which, cool, renting is a scam. BUT then she drops that the house is in Australia. And i’m trying really, really hard not to be a dickhead cos I AM happy for her. She’s amazing and she deserves to live her best lesbian life in a place that she enjoys? She like hates it here, she's obsessed with that fucking hot thing in the sky. But it meansI lose my best friend and my job cos she owns the place. I just need a couple of days to like sulk cos I really happy for her. DH  
She’s off tomorrow for admin day so at least I have an extra day to be a wanker. DH

[7:25pm] Oh, that’s shit :(. I’m sure she knows you’re happy for her, but i’m also sure she know that it’s going to be crap for you to lose her. Don’t be mean to yourself… emotions are funky little things, and Sam will get where your head is at cos if it was the other way around she’d feel the same, you know? PL

[7:29pm] I just feel horrible for not being able to give her 100% happiness right now. DH

[7:31pm] Tbh if I were her and you weren’t a bit upset i’d be offended :/. PL

[7:35pm] You the sort of person who’d fake their own death just to see if people cry? DH

[7:37pm] NOooo!!! but i’m kinda curious. PL

Would you cry? PL

[7:39pm] Weep. DH

[7:41pm] Oh thank god, would be weird if my new bf didn’t. PL

[7:45pm] Big frisbee? DH

[7:47pm] Oh, I didn’t tell you yet. Due to my can’t stop texting you in my public disease, everyone think I have a new secret bf. PL

[7:49pm] I’m straight. DH

[7:51pm] Sorry. My mistake. PL

[7:53pm] Sam did say today I looked a bit distracted, guess I could say I wanted to see what weirdo things you were texting me. DH

[7:55pm] Mutual big frisbee. PL

[7:59pm] I didn’t even know how to explain this to her. Like oh my mum gave me a wrong but weird right phone number? DH

[8:01pm] Maybe. Might look like a toad. PL

[8:05pm] Toads have rights. DH

[8:07pm] What do I look like in your mind… PL

[8:09pm] Er, tall. Nerd vibes. DH

[8:11pm] You’re tall in my brain too just cos i’m tall and I think everyone I interact should also be tall. PL

[8:13pm] 6’3. DH

[8:15pm] Idk why that made my heart go WHEEEEE. People being taller than me is rare(and sexy?). PL

[8:17pm] Height aside, do u have an actual type? DH  
I’m fishing for the sake of my mother. DH

[8:19pm] For your mother. PL  
Idk, I like to say I don’t but then i’m like look at the brown haired man. I love him<3\. PL

[8:21pm] I have brown hair, off to a good start. DH

[8:25pm] Is it straight? Curly? Bald? Mow-hawk? PL

[8:27pm] Curly, m8. DH

[8:29pm] Powerful of you. -PL

[8:31pm] I’m gonna crash early. Night, Phil. DH

-

He’s chaotic. He hits the wrong buttons, accidentally cuts into the middle of songs with his own rendition, he hears a massive thud at one point which must mean he’s pulled something off the desk. It’s incredibly hard to stop listening to. 

“That was someone with.. a song!” Dan hears typing, then another voice apologising and giving the _actual_ details. He thinks if it were anyone else they’d probably get the boot, but there’s something so effortlessly charming about everything Phil does.

“What did I get up to at the weekend?” Phil asks, another question from another viewer. That’s the other thing, it seems to be wildly popular. There are a constant stream of questions and requests, people seem properly interested in, not the music but, Phil. 

He gets it, suddenly realises he’s joined an entire club of Phil Lester Stans. A part of him feels disgustingly smug, that he’s texting him— interacting in a way no one else is. Then he realises half of the fans are like fourteen, and he probably shouldn’t be acting like such a jealous weirdo. 

“Well, I made a new friend!” He sounds happy about it, and it makes Dan’s insides do a multitude of things— flips, cheers, complete rearrangement. It’s nice to know it’s semi-mutual, that it’s not just his own head that can’t seem to stop thinking about what’s happening— that can’t stop fantasising. 

“A friend?” He hears another voice, thinks it’s one of the producers. 

“Yes!” He presses a button, a sound-effect that creates a cheer. “I know it’s a miracle, but you have to believe me.”

There’s just laughter in the studio, but not from Dan who suddenly wants to form a single man defence squad called _Phil is fully capable of making as many friends as he wants._

“Honestly though I don’t know how I did it, way too cool for me.” 

“Na, you’re too cool for us mere mortals.” Dan likes that voice, that voice is correct. He feels a bit below Phil’s level, he has an actual national radio show with thousands of listeners and Dan’s fingernails are still a little bit green. 

“It’s not my fault i’m a vampire, just born like it.” 

He starts playing something else then, cuts the conversation short— Dan just wanted to hear more about himself, get all the Phil approval. 

Ninety minutes doesn’t feel like long enough a slot, and when it’s all over Dan doesn’t know what to do with himself. He doesn’t think twice about googling, about trying to find old episodes to hold himself over with till tomorrow. He doesn’t realise the logistics of it all until he’s staring at bright blue eyes. 

_Oh,_ he’s pretty. 

Whatever Dan had in mind wasn’t this, he could never imagine something as fucking mind-blowing as Phil Lester. He wants to crawl into a hole and scream, wants to— god he just _wants._

He spends too long scrolling through google images, finding images pre-quiff that make him feel like a teenager at school with a crush on the leader of the emo group. Photos leads to twitter, which lead to Dan realising Phil is just like _that_ — not been playing it up over text.

He’s a bit fucked, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. There’s been _something_ , a certain energy over text which shouldn’t exist between two people who barely know each other. He wants to keep it, wants to keep going on like he hasn't just spent an hour looking at Phil’s face and imagining their future home together. 

There’s something about people not wanting you that makes you fall too easily— something about a spark of acceptance after so much rejection. Phil’s taken all this in his stride, even when Dan got a bit moody on him— didn’t blink twice just asked if he was alright. 

He thinks a week is too early to call it anything, but thinks a week might be long enough to start _feeling_ a certain type of way. 

-

[8:30pm] A song by someone. DH

[8:32pm] Oh.. you heard that? That wasn’t me. PL

[8:35pm] How many people have you offended in the past? DH

[8:37pm] Idk Ariana Grande probably has a hit out on me. PL

[8:39pm] Oh fuck you’ve actually met famous people. DH

[8:45pm] Ya. Want some hot goss? PL

[8:49pm] The hot goss is why didn’t you tell me you used to be emo? DH

[8:51pm] :o u see me? PL

[8:55pm] Had a cheeky google. DH

[8:59pm] Ugh. Wish you’d have just asked for a photo of my face. All the ones on google are like from 2010, me being terrified next to a celebrity or I just look like I’m a Cryptid. PL

[9:02pm] Idk, I enjoy the quiff. DH  


[9:05pm] Thanks! It was a choice and I made it. PL

[9:07pm] Good one. DH

[9:09pm] I feel like we’re imbalanced now. In my my head you’re a phone with a curly wig on top. PL

[9:11pm] Guess you’ll just have to do some sleuthing. DH

[9:15pm] Oh yeah. Typing Dan into google is going to take me straight to you. NOT. See you in a thousand years when you’re already dead. PL

[9:19pm] :). DH

[9:25pm] VOICE AND FACE! You basically know everything about me, where I live.. my mother. How to commit the perfect identity fraud. PL

[9:27pm] Not my fault you’re so famous. DH

[9:29pm] Don’t give me a big head. PL

[9:35pm] You already have quite a big head. DH

[9:39pm] Yeah to headbutt you with. PL

[9:45pm] Babuse. DH

[9:49pm] Big-frisbee abuse? PL

[9:55pm] Exactly :(. DH

[9:59pm] Kidding, by the way. You don’t need to send your face if you’re not comfy, you just need to promise you’re not actually a 45 year old man out to kill me for mispronouncing words on the radio. PL

[10:01pm] Can’t make that promise. DH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always lemme know what you think! i am always a sl*t 4 comments (still v interested in the thoughts of the people who read the first :P)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for beta'ing Keeeliiiiin<3

He’d fallen asleep to the sound of Phil’s voice coming through his laptop speakers. Old episodes of radio shows hidden away on BBC iplayer that Dan hadn’t been able to resist listening to. He’s not going to admit it to anyone, least of all Phil. 

It’s just— he’s soothing. Dan struggles to turn his own head off, spends too long awake staring up at the ceiling whilst his own mind batters him. The upbeat tone of Phil’s voice had been a welcome change, a momentary soother for all the thoughts he was stamping down. He’d have to confront them one day, but for now he was content to pretend— distract.

He’s woken by his phone, loud and jarring right against his ear. It’s going to be his mum, or Sam, the only two people in his life who are confident enough to wake the beast before the sun has even come up. 

“Wot?” He grumbles down the line, and the voice he hears back isn’t the voice he’d been expecting. It takes him a second to realise exactly who it is, to place the voice when it’s outside of the context of a radio show. It’s softer, deeper—less presenter, more Phil. 

He jolts up when he realises, feels incredibly caught out with his laptop nearly dead in the background— Phil’s voice draining the battery.

“Grumpy. Is that how you say hello to everyone?” Phil laughs, and Dan wants to bottle the sound— he’ll blame that thought on it being six in the morning, on him only being a quarter of the way awake. 

“At this time in the morning, yeah.” 

“Oh! You’re all— you’re very like, sort of, posh? Is that the right word? Feel like you’re going to bite my head off for saying that.” He dithers and stops and starts and— it’s overwhelmingly sweet. 

“Mhm.” Dan just— he’s not capable of more than grunts and half sentences. A mixture of time and Phil scrambling up his brain. “Beat you up.”

“Gonna beat me up?” He gasps, and Dan can almost imagine the dramatics— the hand to the chest, the opened mouth surprise. “Be careful, I know extreme sports.”  
  
“You gonna parachute me to death?” Dan laughs, not even shocked to realise it’s his proper laugh— the laugh reserved for only certain people. He’s got the act of fake laugh down to a fine art, stood in the mirror half drunk practising for then next time a stranger told him joke that was more of an insult. 

“No— what? Oh, no— I meant. Ugh.” He can hear some rustling, imagines Phil is still tucked up in bed and his first thought of the day had been to call Dan. “I got it wrong. What’s the— oh! I’m an MMA fighter.” 

Something about the nerves in Phil’s voice settles Dan, makes him collapse back into the pillows and relax into this— an unexpected but highly welcome thing. 

“Name one martial art, Phil.” 

“Sumo.”

  
  
“You’re a sumo wrestler?” Dan snorts, mind bombarded with the thought of Phil dressed up— or dressed down— in the getup. 

“Yes.” Phil answers, to the point and so deadpan that if Dan hadn’t seen him he might’ve just believed it.

“Are you forgetting that I know you’re a lanky boy? A lanky boy with dyed black hair and clumsy hands?” Hands that smack the wrong buttons, hands that Dan dreamt about holding.

He thinks— knows— this is all too much, too soon.

All these fantasies building up are due to a lack of _anything,_ of _anyone_ showing an interest in him beyond the type where they take him to bed. He can get caught up in the kindness of Phil, in the willingness he shows to listen, in the gentle nature and pretty face. He can occupy his days imagining what it’d be like to actually have someone like that next to him in his life, to have a Phil who isn’t just a— whatever this is. 

“That’s not fair!” And, oh, he’s whiny. He can imagine the pout and the puppy dog eyes, the delicate way in which he’d have Dan completely wrapped around his little finger. “That wasn’t me, that was a different Phil Lester radio show host.” 

“Sure, sure.” 

“My spitroast partner should be more supportive of my sumo wrestling career, I think.”

  
  
“And other sentences I never thought I would hear.” 

He can hear Phil giggle, a noise that just— Dan can barely stand it. It’s too early for this, too easy to fall for someone who's so unashamed in everything they do. He should probably hang up, take a breather, think about why he’s so susceptible to pretty men who show him an ounce of attention. 

He doesn’t, because of course not.

“Did I wake you up?”

  
  
“Obviously!” Dan says it too loud, hears he voice crack halfway through but it’s fine— makes Phil laugh. “Do I give off the vibe of someone who wakes up before seven?”

“Nope!” He answers, all cheerful. “Go get some coffee in you. I’m already on my third cup.”

  
  
“Mate.” Dan can’t help the exasperation. “You’re going to spend all day pissing.” 

“Yeah, well, maybe I like it.”

  
  
“You— piss? You like piss?”

  
  
“No!” It’s _too_ quick. “Shutup. It’s six am, not the time for filth.”

“Hope you know i’ll circle back round to that later.” Dan will, goes as far as making a note on his phone— _Phil piss??_ “Why are you even up so early, you weirdo.”

  
  
“I will pretend I do not see it, can’t read, haven’t got the braincell today.” Phil’s sipping at his coffee, giving Dan a personal bout of ASMR that he doesn’t think he appreciates. “Covering for someone on radio, their kid is ill so i’m covering the morning show.”

“Nice.” Dan doesn’t let onto anything, onto the fact that he’ll be tuning in—forcing everyone in the salon to listen to Phil and his amateur dramatics. “Give me a shoutout so I can tell everyone at work I know someone famous.” 

“I’m not famous, i’m like a middleman for famous people.” 

“Most famous person I know.”

Phil makes a noise, something that sounds vaguely embarrassed— sort of filled with disdain. “Sh’up.”

  
  
“Or what?” Dan asks, amused—fond, disgusting.

“Or i’ll come over there and make you.”

“With your sumo?”

  
  
“Exactly.” 

Dan almost wants to say do it, to hand over his address— turn this into something more. He doesn’t, he can’t. Too much that could go wrong, too much of him that is disappointing in real life. Phil’s too big a person for Dan to let down, doesn’t think he could cope with all the _oh are you it_ on Phil’s face.

Apart from Phil has proved himself to be nothing but nice, kind— every other word that sums up how _good_ a person is.

It’s a therapy talk, a big one, a constant roundabout of Dan telling her he’ll just ruin the mood with his presence. Ruins everything just because he can’t shut his mouth, always drops something negative into the conversation and brings the entire mood of everyone down— feels all the sad crashing down around his ears. 

He ruins, and he can't help it. 

So instead of saying do it, instead of even alluding to the fact that maybe, _maybe_ one day they could meet, he changes the subject. 

“Why’d you even call me?” It comes out biting and he doesn’t mean it, wants to shove the words back into his mouth the second they’re out. They linger, hang there awkwardly, the first silence since his phone went off. He waits for it, for the bye, for the excuse to leave and—

“To speak to you? Duh.” 

“ _Oh._ ” Dan comes out of his metaphorical snail shell, chances a peek at what could be if he just— he gave in. “Well, sorry about— erm, all the disappointment.” 

“Oh, shutup.” He can _hear_ the eye roll. “Too early for the self-deprecation, brain should be only good vibes.” 

Dan laughs, sinks a bit further into the fantasy. It’s a bit— stupid? He has no idea what Phil is thinking, if he’s crossed into the territory of _maybe this could be a thing._ It could be friendly, it could be a flight of fancy, it could be something Phil forgets about tomorrow.

“Sorry, I’ll start hating myself at nine.” 

“Am I going to have to tell you to love yourself live on the radio?”

“Only if you want me to throttle you.” 

“Maybe I like being throttled.” Phil answers, defiant and unaware that he’s giving Dan all the ammunition in the world. He’s properly one of those people, speak first and think later. It’s fun now, probably a nightmare for his bosses. 

“Piss and throttling?” Dan tries to not smirk directly down the phone line, but— no, doesn’t work. “Someone’s in a certain type of mood this morning.” 

“No!” Phil squeaks, and Dan can hear the clatter of the phone as it falls to ground. It gives him a second to compose himself, to stop himself from being one of those falls in love in a second sort of people. “Right, back, no.”

“Mhm, whatever you want to tell yourself.”

“I’m telling you I don’t wanna be piss strangled!”

  
  
“What’s that?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. You seem to be the one who’s super into the idea.” Dan should be arguing back, but the petulance in Phil’s voice just— he wants to play along. 

“Yeah.” Dan drops his voice, just enough to be noticeable— just enough to change the mood. “I mean, I don’t mind it. As long as the other person knows what they’re doing, just where to put their hand.”

“I-oh-erm. I—ok.” Not an entire sentence in there, nothing even resembling a two syllable word. “Dan i’ve got—what?” 

“You’ve got to what, Phil?” And if he had a home phone he’d be tangling the cord around his finger. 

“I’ve got to go to work.”

“Yeah?”

  
  
“Yes.” 

Dan drops it, but he’ll hold onto the smugness for just a little while longer. “Gotta interview anyone special today?”

It takes Phil a second to come back into the room, to give an answer that doesn’t sound a bit— he’s dazed. “Hm? Oh, no, hope not.” 

“Who’s been your favourite ever guest?” Dan asks, curious about other things now because it really _is_ too early for phone sex with a stranger—or not a a stranger, whatever Phil is.

“Oh! I interviewed muse once and I thought I was going to literally die, my hands were shaking so bad I had to hide them under my jumper.” 

“Muse?” Dan needs to find that interview, commit it to memory. “Fuck. I love them so much.”

  
  
And it’s a wormhole and a half, one they can’t dig themselves out of. They’re both supposed to be getting ready for work, both supposed to have hung up half an hour ago but on and on it goes.

They delve into everything else, Muse and beyond. Find out they have more in common than any two people have the right to, he wants to make a joke about being separated at birth but— brothers isn’t really what Dan is going for. 

“Shit, Phil, you know it’s half seven, yeah?” 

  
  
“What?” He can hear scrambling, like Phil is wrestling his quilt cover for freedom. “I have to—bye, bye, bye. Bye, Dan!”

And then the line is dead and Dan’s left with an overwhelming need for more. 

**[7:35am] Hi, love, are you and that girl still getting on? If not i’ve met someone else, she’s a new starter at my work. Mum xx**

[7:37am] No need! Everything is going fine :) DH x

-

“We’re going to get lunch together.” Sam is on him the second the shop is empty, practically forcing his arms through the sleeves of his leather jacket.

He’s been trying to behave, stop the pouting and the slamming of tools— didn’t work. He just needs an hour or two to get it out of his system, then he’ll stop being a terrible friend. 

They end up at the cafe across the street, somewhere they have that whole _we’re independent businesses near by so let’s give each other a discount._ They order their usual—Sam a tea and three types of Pastry, Dan a black coffee that he’ll secretly dump sugar into, and a muffin. 

“What happened to your whole we can only listen to my Spotify playlist?” She opens up the floor, let’s Dan talk about himself to avoid the elephant in the room. 

“Dunno, fancied a change.” He shrugs, mentally kicks himself because he’s being difficult— trying so hard not to be. He takes a deep breath, starts again. “How was admin day?”

“Fine, you know, numbers.”

“Mhm.”

“Dan.”

  
  
“Sam.”

She sighs, pushes the plate into the middle of the table as a peace offering that shouldn’t be needed. Dan shouldn’t be acting like this, like a child devoid of his favourite toy. “Talk to me?”

  
  
“I just—“ He chews on his thumbnail, bites it right down to the skin. “Sorry. I’m being shit.” 

“It’s fine, I get it. I’d be the same if it were the other way around.” She gently reaches out, stops Dan from the habit he’s been trying to kick for a lifetime. “Gonna have to find someone to tell you off every time you do that.”

Without the distraction he feels laid bare, vulnerable, like the entire cafe is starting at him— _what’s his problem?_ “I am happy for you, despite my… face. You deserve it, know you hate it here.” 

“I don’t hate it, Dan, I met you here.”

  
  
He wants to make a joke, about how that’s more a punishment than anything else but thinks she’s in a mood today— wouldn’t hesitate to cuff him round the ear. “I just feel like you’re the only proper friend I have, and Jules. I’m like— if you go then all the people you know will stop talking to me cos they do it out of politeness.”

  
  
“I don’t know why you act so helpless when it comes to making friends, people like you.” And he thinks of Phil, like he seems to all the time lately, thinks of how easy that feels. 

“I just like you.” Dan smiles, and he’s glad to hear her laugh. 

“Well, you’re not getting rid of me forever. I will be coming visit, I will be making you stay up to talk to me in my funky upside down timezone.” She nudges his foot beneath the table and it feels like they’re normal again, like they’re going to be fine. 

“You think i’m not coming over there so I can wear my romper without getting judged? Mate, i’ll be on your flight during the move.” He sips at his coffee, wishes for once he’d have gotten himself something sweeter. 

“Jules has told me I have to tell you to send over those weird biscuits she likes, so, you’re like stuck with us for life. She’ll go full crying all day every day if she doesn’t have them.” 

They both settle into silence then, eating and drinking and _thinking._ This could be the last time, really, no more sitting in the cafe across the street, no more seeing each other five days a week.

“When’re you going?”

“Oh, not for another six months.”

-

[5:05pm] Loved hearing you say piss live on radio. DH

[5:07pm] I!!! Thought!!!! The!!!! Mic!!!! Was!!!! Off!!!!! PL 

[5:09pm] Piss on the brain. DH

[5:11pm] Your mum has piss on the brain. PL

[5:15pm] Mhm, might be the reason she thinks i’m straight. DH

[5:17pm] Ekkkkk!!!!! Ok, you’re funny, you can have rights. PL

BUT speaking of radio did I tell you they’re going to start livestreaming it online. Like.. my face, my clumsy hands, me spilling coffee over the important things. PL

[5:21pm] Oh, you’re going to get bullied on twitter so hard. DH

[5:25pm] Hey :(. My face isn’t that bad. PL

[5:27pm] It’s a nice face, yeah. DH

[5:35pm] Well now I just don't know what to say. PL

[5:36pm] Took you eight minutes to come up with that? DH

[5:39pm] I was busy looking at my nice face in the mirror. PL

[5:41pm] Got some good hair going on, you know. DH

[5:45pm] ;). PL

[5:47pm] Filth. DH

[5:49pm] You flirt? PL

[5:51pm] Me flirt? DH

[5:55pm] Waaah :(. PL

[5:57pm]. I’m just saying you’ll be fine on livestream face wise, just not chaos wise. DH

[5:59pm] ;3. PL

[6:01pm] Back to 2010 we go again. DH

[6:05pm] Shut!!!! Before all the fancy things this dude was my best friend. PL

[6:07pm] I’m going to kill that dude. DH

[6:09pm] x3. PL  
  
[6:11pm] RIP Phil and his Furry Emoji. DH

[6:15pm] Why am I dead!!!!! PL

[6:19pm] Double murder. I’m taking your skin and your job. DH

[6:21pm] You’re so obsessed with skin suits, you didn’t sound skin-suity on the phone. PL

[6:25pm] No? What did I sound like on the phone? DH

[6:27pm] No comment. PL

[6:29pm] Oi, oi, oi. That’s rude. DH

[6:31pm] You just have a nice voice. PL

It’s like good :). PL

[6:32pm] Like good. DH

[6:35pm] It’s just good! Like you could do radio. PL

[6:37pm] Now it’s like you want me to steal your job. DH

[6:39pm] Wouldn’t mind listening to you every morning. PL

[6:45pm] You flirt? DH

[6:47pm] Me flirt? PL

[6:49pm] Waaaah :(. DH

[6:55pm] Oh! Are you ok now? Have you spoken to your friend? PL

[6:57pm] Yaaas. She was like we’re going to drink coffee, eat pastries and have a heart to heart. You were right, she was fine. Said she’d feel the same roles reversed. I did say sorry for being a dick tho. DH

[6:59pm] Yaaaaay! PL  
You’re not being a dick cos you’re aware of yourself, like you'd be being a dick if you weren’t aware that what you were doing was.. dickish. PL

[7:02pm] Appreciate the pep talk, but I was being a dick. DH

[7:05pm] But it’s fixed now :). PL

[7:07pm] Yeah, it’s fixed. Can’t wait to go to australia and show off my six pack. DH

[7:09pm] Whaaaat!!!!!! :O. PL

[7:11pm] Kidding. DH

[7:15pm] Ok well now I am just going to stop texting you… no reason in particular. PL

[7:17pm] I see how it is, only in it for the potential hot bod. DH

[7:19pm] Hehe. :). PL  
I do ACTUALLY have to go have a shower, tho. Feels weird not being in today. I covered the morning and someone covered mine and i’m covered in confusion. PL

[7:21pm] Go wash that confusion off. I’ll still be here. -DH

-

[8:05pm] Idk if i’m reaching here.. but are you maybe the Dan Howell who just followed me on instagram?PL

[8:07pm] Yaaas. DH

[8:09pm] o.o. PL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always lemme know what you think, stilllllll v interested in people who read the original it has been v fun to read people bieng like oh! kind of familiar but.. new :P 
> 
> in regards to upload schedule i was just trying to get out as much as possible this week before work gets insane!!!! so from now it'll likely be once a week update (depending on how much time i have+how sleepy i am lmao)


	4. Chapter 4

[8:11pm] Am I allowed? PL

[8:12pm] Allowed to what, Phil? Eat cereal for dinner? Can honestly do whatever you please, pal, you’re a grown adult. DH

[8:15] You know what I mean. Can I look at your instagram? You followed me, but that doesn’t mean you want me.. to follow you? PL

[8:17pm] That’s honestly the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever said to me lmao. You can look. DH

[8:25pm] You dead? DH

[8:31pm] Has my general face shape scared you off? DH

[8:35pm] Is this actually like… your face? PL

[8:37pm] I mean, to my knowledge ya. DH

[8:39pm] Ok brb I have to go get thousands of pounds of plastic surgery. PL

[8:41pm] Oh, shutup, idiot. It’s just like an average face. DH

[8:52pm] You ARE one of those beautiful modest people. PL

Jesus. PL

This is going to sound like we really are flirting but… you’re like unreal. I sort of started looking at you and couldn’t stop. Think i’m in like 2013 right now. PL

[8:55pm] Nooooo! Stop. God. I get square hair at some point. DH

[8:57pm] Dimples :(. That’s really not fair. PL

[8:59pm] Alright, Mr I Have The Bluest Eyes You’ll Ever See. DH

[9:05pm] You’re like a subway sandwich. PL

[9:07pm] What the actual fuck, Phil? I’m bread and meat? DH

[9:09pm] No! PL  
Maybe, you kinda look soft like bread. PL  
No, getting distracted. Ok, like, so. You know you go in a pick all your favs? Like you’re that but a human version. I’ve gone into human-way and picked all my favs and your face is the end result. PL  
I’m trying to say I have a type and you’re properly it. PL 

[9:11pm] Are you trying to say i’m attractive in the weirdest way possible? DH

[9:15pm] Yes. Way to ruin this beautiful, romantic, bready moment. PL

[9:19pm] I don’t really have a type-type, but like you’re doing it for me anyway. DH

[9:21pm] My way was better. PL

[9:23pm] You called me ham. DH

[9:25pm] No!!!!! You’re being mean. That was good and you know it. PL

[9:27pm] It’s like you’re trying to pick me up to fuck on grindr, but you’re trying to be sweet about it. DH

[9:29pm] We’ve already discussed that! No fucking on the first date. PL

[9:31pm] Oh yeah… sowwy. :3. DH

[9:32pm] Well now you’re just trying to appeal to my furry side. PL

[9:35pm] I’ve read your twitter, every side of you is furry. DH

[9:37pm] That’s cheating! You have to organically learn that i’m a furry, plz erase knowledge. PL

[9:39pm] Just bashed my head against the side of the fridge. Who’s this? DH

[9:41pm] Phil Not Furry Yet In Your Mind Lester. PL

[9:45pm] Hi. DH  


[9:46pm] Hi. I like your stripes. PL

[9:48pm] Lmao join the club of people who bully me for owning like two tops. DH

[9:49pm] Erm. Didn’t wanna know what sort of men you’re keeping in your wardrobe. Two whole tops is kinda greedy. -PL

[9:51pm] Ohhhhh shutup, you’re awful, did you know that? DH

[9:55pm] I’m not the one storing sexual favours on a coat hanger. PL

I own a switch. PL

[9:57pm] Why are you talking in weird metaphors about your sexual preferences? But ALSO do you actually own a Nintendo Switch? If so friend code… gimme. DH

-

[1:01am] My Switch ran out, but wtf Phil! You don't just come to a mans island to chase him around with an axe. DH

[1:02am] I never claimed to not be a murderer, so, that’s actually on you. PL

[1:03am] You’re so home of phobic. DH

[1:05am] I’m a gay ;3. PL

[1:07am] I’m just a piece of ham. DH

[1:08am] Ask any1 else nd they say.. romance. PL

[1:09am] Kwl typing. DH

[1:11am] Wahh tired :(. PL

[1:12am] Go sleep. x. DH

[1:13am] Oh a kissy. PL

[1:14pm] Definitely go to sleep. DH

[1:15am] What if someone tries to steal my mystery texter spot in the nighhhht ;o. PL

[1:17am] You’re not too much of a mystery anymore. DH

[1:19am] You won’t let them? PL

[1:21am] No, Phil, I won’t let them. x. DH

-

“I said I wouldn’t let them.”

  
  
“Wanted to hear you say it in person.” Phil whispers down the line, makes every inch of Dan feel a bit _too_ awake.

“And now you’ve heard it.” He rolls over in bed, puts his phone on loud speaker so he can be really pathetic— pretend he actually had someone in bed beside him, a head on the other pillow. “You really call just to continue your axe murder attempt?” 

“No.” Phil laughs, something deep— something different to the radio show guest laughter. It might be the time, might be Dan’s overactive imagination, but it makes him feel more special than it should— _he_ gets to hear this. “Can’t axe you through the phone.” 

It’s not a euphemism, but Dan takes it as one anyway— giggles down the line, let’s the sleep deprivation fully settle in. “Could try axing me.”

“S’not even— shutup.” Phil’s still laughing though, still this soft sound that Dan’s a bit enamoured with. “Gonna get me in trouble, keep talking with that voice” 

“Just a voice.” 

“Mhm, just a voice.”

“Go sleep.” 

“You go to sleep.”

They both sort of— they do. They trail of into nonsense words, back and forth that wouldn’t make sense to anyone else but them. It’s nothing until it’s quite literally _nothing,_ just soft breathing as they both fall asleep.

-

[1:01pm] fyi my battery ran out and I had to spend ten minutes first thing in the morning phoneless. Disconnected from the twitter world… birdless. PL

[1:05pm] oh no, your attention from the internet. DH

[1:07pm] Exactly! How do I get up without the validation of strangers? PL

You at work? Am I getting you in trouble? PL

[1:09pm] Late lunch. Sad soup. DH

[1:11pm] Ugh, why soup? That’s literally just water but thicc. PL

[1:13pm] I’m letting another mysterious stranger replace u. DH

[1:15pm] Noooooo!!!!! :(. Soup is so good and not just thicc water with sometimes weird chunks of stuff at all. PL

[1:17pm] Fuck. Now I don’t want to eat this at all. DH

[1:19pm] I will uber eats u a good treat. PL

[1:21pm] wat? U gonna uber food to my location that u don’t even know? DH

[1:25pm] Yes :). PL

[1:26] K, get me some fries. DH

[1:27pm] our texting has fallen apart, did u notice? We have stopped being so formal. PL

[1:29pm] oh ya. Guess we r true friends now. my capital letters have stopped. DH

[1:31pm] We have crossed theprofessional barrier into friendship. 3===D. PL

[1:33pm] U just send me an emoticon dick at 1 in the afternoon? DH

[1:35pm] Yaaaas. PL

[1:36pm] can u please not make me horny during the work hours? DH

[1:39pm] Sorry. I will make it smaller 3=D. PL

[1:41pm] thanks. I’ve calmed down now. DH

Back to hair. Go write some radio. DH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always lemme know what u think ;_;
> 
> just a liiiiiil baby chap today to show them getting more comfy with each other


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's late!

He goes out. He nearly goes home with someone, gets as far as standing on the street with them outside of the building. Goes as far as waiting for a taxi, bolts when the taxi arrives. 

It’s just—Phil. It’s fucking Phil. It could be nothing, but it could be something—everything. It could be more than whatever this guy can offer him, another night of fun but meaningless nothing. And he doesn’t know how he used to do this all the time, go home with strangers and leave the next morning with this sense of dread—this sense of will anyone ever want me for more than a couple of hours. 

Maybe it’s because he’s older now, maybe it’s because he’s had enough sex to last him a lifetime but not enough of anything else. He’s rarely sat on a sofa watching movies, playing with someone’s hair. He’s rarely had domestics over stupid things that don’t make any sense, and he finds himself stupidly craving that—telling someone they keep leaving toothpaste in the sink, keep missing the laundry basket. 

So he doesn’t go home with him, he instead runs. He ducks down an alleyway and waits until he hears the taxi drive away, until his hearts stop beating so loud in his chest. He’s drunk, a bit, too much to stay hanging around dark streets by himself. 

And maybe a phone call can offer him something, a feeling of not being so fucking lonely even though there were people in pub—people walking past right now—even though there was someone excited to take him home. 

He dials with shaky fingers, with a certain amount of second guessing himself. It’s too late by the time he thinks better of it, Phil is already on the other end. 

“You.”

“Me.”

Dan feels—better. Less likely to cry next to a bin filled with something that smells vaguely like a litter box.

“What’d you want?” It sounds—fond, happy, honestly Phil sounds like he’s enjoying it. And it settles something in Dan, makes him think that maybe this was the right idea after all. 

“To talk to you.”

“Are you—Dan, you sound kinda drunk.”

Dan sighs, too loud down the line. “Shut. Can be drunk if I want.”

“You can.” Phil laughs, and Dan can hear rustling in the background—the shuffling of papers. He thinks of him sat at a desk, writing radio stuff for the radio, living a life that exists outside of whatever this is with Dan. They’re two separate people, live outside of each other, yet when they speak Dan sometimes feels like they’re leading one singular life together. 

“I can.” Dan repeats, petulant even though he doesn’t really want to be. His brain just thinks being a brat will disguise how much he wants—wants Phil to speak to him more than he wants anyone else to utter a single word in his direction. “Dude guy, went home with him. Sort of. I don’t know.”

There’s a pause, a long and terrible silence that makes Dan want to fucking climb in the bin—live in there with all his sins. He was trying to make Phil jealous, trying to do something stupid and—childish. He’s fucked it all for a reason that shouldn't even exist, Phil doesn’t need to be jealous because Phil—they’re not together. And even if they were together trying to make him jealous would've been—he’s just an idiot. A complete and utter-

“You’re with someone?” Phil eventually chimes in, kicking Dan out of his self-loathing spiral. He sounds different, that happy to speak to Dan thing he had going on is—it’s gone, no longer there at all. 

“No.” Dan blurts it out, more a noise than it is a word—just so damn desperate to fix whatever it is he’d broken. “I like— told him I had to go home cos I’d left my cooker on.” 

There’s another pause, but this time it’s shorter, this time there’s a laugh at the end of it. “It’s almost like saying, sorry I have to wash my hair.” 

“My hair is… clean.” 

“I never said it wasn’t.” 

Dan falls into the voice, into the way Phil is always there to answer him— to talk. “Ok, good. I washed in this morning.”  
  
“Does it go all fluffy?” The particular rustle of papers has stopped, now it’s a different sort—a quilt being pulled back, blankets being moved. It makes Dan wish he wasn't cold in an alley, instead warm in the bed of a man who might actually like him—properly like him. Like him enough to get jealous about nothing. 

“A bit, yeah.”

“Well, now i’m just thinking about stroking you.” 

Dan snorts, but he also goes a bit pink—he’s _drunk._ “Yeah? What else do you think about?”

“Oh, shutup. Not in public.”

“Out of… public?”

“We’ll see.” 

Dan lets out a pathetic little whine without even realising it, suddenly all he wants is for Phil to talk him through _something_ —tell him all the things he thinks about. “S’not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair.” And it sounds a bit sad, a bit forlorn—makes Dan stop thinking about the things he should probably not be thinking about. 

“You alright.” He fumbles around in his pocket, tries to find his headphones so he can keep up the conversation but also get an uber. 

“Mhm, yeah.”  


  
“Are you?” He finds them, eventually, buried in some weird coat pocket he didn’t even know existed. His clothes are too weird, he thinks—maybe he should start exclusively shopping at Topman. 

He misses a second of conversation as he plugs the wire in, wishes he was a cool kid with AirPods because then he’d have heard all the words from Phil’s mouth. 

“—eh. I’m just tired, I don’t know. Work is busy. These livestream things are bigger than I thought they were going to be.”

“They’re good, you’re good.” Dan’s watched all of them, all five that currently exist. Downloaded them just in case they ever get deleted. “Like them.”

“I just feel like I have to watch myself constantly, like during the songs I could just sit or—eat, whatever. Now I feel like I have to always be putting on a show.”

Dan almost says too much, how watching Phil do nothing is more entertaining than watching someone else do _everything._ But he doesn’t, catches himself, keeps the words tucked away in the newly added Phil section of his brain—it’s nice, got the fanciest furniture, the most light. “I think people would like to see you eat.” 

Phil laughs, and it’s deep and—sexy. Yeah, it’s sexy, and Dan’s half sober brain doesn’t really know what to do with that. He wants to store it away, imagine it later on when he’s in bed alone. “All those fetishists out there? You one of them?”

“No. I like erm— no. Watching people, like, sleep?”

“You like watching people sleep?”

“No! I don’t know. I’m drunk. I don’t have a thing for people chewing with their mouths open.” 

“Noted.” Phil’s back to the fond, and Dan thinks he might’ve fixed it. “You still hiding?” 

“No, just go in an uber. Being a very rude customer, talking to this dude about kinks.”

“Dan!”

  
  
“What?” Dan grins, wishes Phil could see it—how happy all this is making him. “Already know you like spitroasts, and probably piss.” 

“ _You_ like spitroasts.” 

“Too jealous for that.”

“Oh?” Phil sounds curious now. “You’re a jealous sort of person?”

  
  
“I wouldn’t ever like—dunno. Fall out with someone about it, or take it out on them, but internally I have agreen angry goblin living in me.”

“The green giant from the sweetcorn advert?”

And Dan honestly loses it then, surprised the driver doesn’t kick him out onto the street—got tears and everything. 

When he can finally speak, all he offers is: “Yeah, Phil, the green sweetcorn giant is literally inside me.” 

-

[1:05am] battery ran out :(. DH

[1:07am] Thought the Green Sweetcorn Giant ruptured u. PL

[1:09am] Wow. What were you thinking about exactly? DH

[1:11am] Wouldn’t you like to know? PL

[1:12am] honestly? No. DH

[11:13am] ya, thats probs for the best. PL

[1:15am] hes’g otta have a big dick… DH

[1:17am] what if it’s sweetcorn sized? PL

[1:19am] nooo! This is slander. DH

[1:21am] :). PL  
I’m the only 1 allowed to have a giant dick. PL  
God. I didn’t mean that, i’m not even drunk. PL

[1:25am] no no… keep talking. DH

[1:27am] shut! PL  
go sleep. PL

[1:29am] or wot? Gonna rupture me. DH

[1:31am] You’re a horrible boy. PL

[1:33am] Yet here u are. DH 

[1:35am] here i am. PL

-

Sam is starting to notice a bit more now, barely paid attention at the start when she thought it was just a random whim. Now Dan is constantly patting his pocket to make sure his phone is still there, always telling him off for texting when he definitely shouldn't be— _you’re going to cut someone’s ear off._

And Dan has been expecting the ultimatum, being cornered in the backroom during lunchtime. “Right, Mr Daniel, what exactly is going on?”

“Nothing.” 

  
  
“Do you really think you can lie to me? After all these years?”

Dan pouts, looks like a goddamn infant being told to sit on the naughty step. It feels a bit like that, like he’s about to have his favourite toy taken away—that toy being Phil. “I’m just texting him.”

  
  
“Still?”

  
  
“Yeah, that alright?”

“Dan.” She sighs, pulls on his sleeve until he gets the hint and actually sits at the small table they have. “Why?”

  
  
“What’d you mean?”

  
  
“I mean, people are always taking an interest in you. I see it every time we go out, so why—him, why someone you’ve never even met?”

Dan feels all hackles rise, wants to defend Phil even though— even though it doesn’t matter, even though they really have never met. “So? What does it matter? I haven’t met him but that doesn’t mean I can’t like him. He actually talks to me like he’s interested in who I am, not just interested in— you know. What I can do to him.” 

“Dan—“

  
  
“No, don’t start. You set me up with all these people and they literally never talk to me again, they fuck me and then start making up excuses about why they can’t have coffee.” He’s picking at the strings in the rips of his jeans, avoiding eye contact because he knows the look he’ll be getting. 

“They’re not all like that, Dan.”

  
  
“No, the ones who want to see me again all want to—fuck. They’re all gross. Like that Matt bloke? He started talking about why women aren’t fucking fit for the workplace, should stay at home. You really want me to start bringing him around?” 

“Well—no, no. I don’t, obviously. Didn’t— you could’ve told me that, you know?” 

“I thought I did.” Dan slumps, buries his face in a secret little spot—between his folded arms—where no one can look at the stupid expressions that appear, uninvited. “I lose track of the arseholes.” 

“You look happy, when he texts.” 

“I think— I really like him, a lot.”

  
  
“Yeah?” She nudges his foot beneath the table, but he still refuses to leave his spot. “You’re not just—i’m not being mean, alright? But you’re not just latching onto this cos he’s being nice, because you don’t have anyone else in your life right now? He’s a safe thing because you’ve not actually met?”

  
  
“Are you asking if i’m keeping him there just to compliment me?”

  
  
“No.” 

“Yes.”

  
  
“Well, a bit.” 

He finally lifts his head, just to offer something vaguely unimpressed. “Could go on any dating app and get told I look very capable of a good blowjob.” 

“Has he told you… that.”

  
  
“No, cos he’s not a creep.” 

“Have you actually seen his face yet?”

  
  
And he shows Sam, and she—gets it, suddenly. That this is Dan’s type and that makes this whole thing even harder. She sort of… pats his head, like he’s a child and he needs encouragement— he does. 

“Pretty.”

  
  
“I know, that’s why I am obsessed.” 

“You gonna meet him?

  
  
“No.”

  
  
“No?” 

“I just—he’s so… good? He’s so good, and funny. Talented, too. Literally has a job on radio one, like who the fuck just has a job like that? And I’m me, and I’d turn up and be all fucking depressing and shit. Text is a weird safe ground, he just sees what I want him to. Can’t control myself as much in person.” And that’s how he feels, why he hasn’t suggested anything even though he’s sure Phil would go for it. 

“Dan.” Sam sounds— angry, honestly. The pat turns into fingers in his curls, tugging a little _too_ hard. “You’re literally not allowed to talk about yourself like that. I’m your boss, I can fire you.”

“Ow!” Dan wriggles, but Sam is surprisingly strong when she’s pissed off. “Ok, ok. I’m great, i’m so sexy, my thighs are great and my personality isn’t dog shit. Let go of me!”

“Promise to be nice?”

  
  
“Promise.” 

  
  
She lets go, and Dan rubs at his scalp. “That well hurt.”

  
  
“Yeah, well, you hurt my feelings when you said all that shit.” 

“Sorry.” 

“Mhm, anyway. Told your mum yet?” She nudges some of her lunch over the table, half a sandwich from a boots meal deal— a peace offering. “Or no?”

“Still no, still don’t know how.” It’s been a whole thing. Once—or five times— a year dan will say he’s doing it, telling his family. Sam will sit and help him devise a plan, and none of them will be enough.

“You know that’s fine, right? If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”

  
  
“I know.” Dan smiles, and he’s glad he has this. Someone who gets it, someone who doesn’t water it down to nothing—just Dan being difficult. “I want to, though.”

“Then get me my whiteboard, we’ll start brainstorming.” 

-

[5:15pm] Do you think frogs have feelings? PL

[5:17pm] obviously, yeah. DH

[5:19pm] So… snails, too? PL

[5:21pm] Phil. Why? DH

[5:23pm] i just think my snails like me? like, they respond to me. But reddit says they don’t have feelings, so now i’m sad. PL

[5:25pm] You’re so precious. DH

[5:27pm] :D. PL  
how was your daaay? PL

[5:29pm] Alrighty. Thinking of … coming out. DH

[5:31pm] Yeah? feel ready? PL

[5:35pm] Dont think i ever will lmao. DH  
Are you? DH

[5:37pm] :(. PL  
Out? yeah. PL

[5:39pm] How’d you do it? DH

[5:41pm] I didn’t, really. Made a stupid profile that I thought would stay secret, but a friend found it and passed it around. PL

[5:45pm] Shit, that’s crap. Sorry. DH

[5:47pm] It’s fine, would’ve liked it on my own terms but.. you know, gave me the opportunity to cut all the bad people out my life. PL

[5:49pm] many people? DH

[5:52pm] Just a few + the people you’ve been friends with for years who suddenly think you fancy them. Like sorry, Dave, i’m not into your bootcut jeans and hair gel. PL

  
  
[5:55pm] SCREAM! How catty, I love it. Say more things about more people. DH

[5:57pm] Just bitter, a bit, like just cos i’m gay I don’t fancy every bloke on planet earth. PL

[5:59pm] Just the special few? DH

[6:01pm] Mhm. me liking you is actually a privilege. PL

[6:05pm] Is it? DH

[6:07pm] I don’t know, Dan, you tell me. PL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, lemme know your thoughts ;_; and thankyou for being patient! it should go back to once a week now, just was so busy at work this weeeek :(


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeek, sowwy this took so long!

His phone vibrating against the bedside table is the thing to wake Dan up. He’s already ignored it twice, and the fact it’s going off again a third time means it can only be one person. He flings an arm out for it, squints up at the screen and, yeah, it’s his mum. 

He’d been doing an alright job up to now of avoiding her, the odd text here and there, assurances that he’s fine and so is the new love of his life—her words. But now he knows he’s walking a fine line, ignore her any longer and she’ll turn up at his door with a million and one questions. 

He hits the answer button, but it’s a beat too late and he’s met with silence. 

Phil’s text is still on his phone, unanswered. He’d chickened out, pure and simple. They’d both spent the last few weeks being weird and flirty, but up until now there was never anything concrete. There wasn’t anything like this, Phil laying it out on the table— _Dan, I like you._

It’d been hours ago, and Phil hadn’t tried texting him again. Waiting for Dan to decide where to take this, whether to ignore it and continue on like they had been, or return the sentiment. Put his own heart on the table, see where this could potentially go. 

He’s fucking terrified of that, though. It’s all been easy up to now, because he could pretend that Phil wasn’t all that serious. Serious means more than just texting, more than just the odd phone-call. 

He’s saved from all the thinking when his phone goes off again.

“Oh, Daniel.” She sounds out of breath. “I was about to book a train ticket to come and see you, thought I might find you dead in your apartment.”

“Oh!” Dan laughs. “Lovely, thanks. Three phone-calls and your mind goes straight to i’m murdered.”

“Well, you don’t know these days, London is a dodgy place and you’ve got a bit—you’re very opinionated, love.” Dan can hear her pottering around in the background, and it’s comforting to know she’s put the laptop down—no surprise visits anytime soon.

“Did you call me to insult me?” Dan asks.

“No, course not! Sorry, sorry. I’m a worrier.” 

“Mhm.” Dan smiles, sprawls out across the bed like a cat to try and get all the sleep out of his muscles. Despite all the Phil stuff he’d slept like a baby, but that’s probably to do with all the _other_ Phil stuff. The whole listening to radio shows works like a weighted blanket for Dan, gets him off to sleep quicker than anything else ever has. “Well, i’m alive.”

“You are!” She near enough screams down the line, and sometimes Dan can tell why he is like he is. “You must know why I called, I’ve been texting you about it enough.”

And this is the part Dan’s been dreading, it’s easy to lie over text where there’s no chance of slipping up, no indication of tone. Over the phone it’s—harder. Dan’s going to have to get through a whole sentence without tripping up, probably a whole speech because this is his mum he’s talking to. 

He could probably go on about Phil to her forever, he has to Sam. But Sam knows him, knows who he is, knows everything his mum doesn’t. 

“Yeah, you know.” Dan clears his throat, tries again. “Good. It’s been going good. Lots of texting, lots of—stuff. Phone-calls, and that.”

“Oh, so you are still talking? I was going to say, I met someone else if you weren’t, but that’s good. I think she might’ve been married, but her and her husband definitely don’t get along. She was talking about divorce the other day and—“

Dan zones out, puts his phone on loudspeaker so he can fiddle about on it whilst she’s talking about wrecking marriages. He opens twitter, reddit, youtube, every app he can think of to distract him from the little _1_ hovering over his messages. 

“I said, well you should just end things if that’s how it’s going. You don’t live long enough to stay in an unhappy marriage, do you? I think she’s—“

He opens it. 

[8:01am] on phone to mum. she is trying to wreck a marriage send help. DH

[8:05am] Oh, hello. Sleeping beauty. PL

[8:07am] that doesn’t heeelpppp. DH

“Dan?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry. Erm—yeah. She should get a divorce.”

“Exactly!” She sounds happy, Dan doesn’t quite understand why. “Anyway, it doesn’t matter. You’re fine, aren’t you, Dan?”

“I’m fine, yeah. Also gotta run before i’m late to work.” Dan lies, because it’s his booked day off. He’d planned on sleeping in till stupid o’clock, but that ships sailed. “Bye, mum. Talk soon!”

[8:11am] Never said i’d help. PL

[8:12am] it’s over now anyway, so. DH

[8:13am] Congrats. PL

[8:15am] my day off and everything, there goes being in bed till the sun… goes back down. DH

[8:17am] Oh no. PL

[8:19am] you busy? sorry. DH

[8:21am] Not really, no. PL

[8:23am] Oh. Right. DH

[10:01am] Sorry. no coffee. was feeling very evil. You get anymore sleep? PL

[10:02am] noooo, something about your mum interrogating you at arse o’clock in the morning makes u feel wide awake. DH

[10:05am] That bad? PL

[10:07am] It’s whatever. How are you? DH

[10:09am] Better now, coffee running through veins. awake. not evil. PL

[10:11am] Was that the dark side of Phil coming out earlier? DH

[10:15am] ugh shutup. i’ll make you come out. PL

[10:17am] Out of the closet? DH

[10:19am] What? No! Omg shutup, idk what i meant. No. PL

[10:21am] gonna tell my mum i’m gay? DH

[10:23am] No! you’re awful, did you know that? you know that, cos youre actually evil. i’m only evil pre coffee which is fake evil. PL

[10:35am] i love words. DH

[10:37am] bully. PL

[10:39am] Can you? DH

[10:41am] eh? PL

[10:45am] Tell my mum i’m gay. DH

[10:47am] No? Yes? Maybe? Do u … want that? PL

[10:49am] idk. Probably need it soon. Gonna get to the point where she wants to meet whoever i’m talking to, and that’s you …. So. you know. DH

[10:51am] But we’re not anything, are we? PL

[11:01am] right. DH

[11:05am] sorry, fuck. I’m being unfair. I just mean, I don’t really know where we stand, i suppose? We sort of seemed to be… flirting, or maybe I read it all wrong. I probably read it all wrong. PL

[11:07am] You didn’t. DH

[11:09am] No? PL

[11:11am] No. DH

[11:15am] ok, well, i’m still not gonna tell your mum. Gotta go. -PL

-

Dan’s too scared to disappoint, to turn up and be the complete opposite of whatever Phil’s been so—invested in. Because he has been. He calls, he texts, he’s always there to talk and Dan feels like a bit of an imposter. In real life he’s different, he’s awkward and loud in a way that most people don’t appreciate. Fills the silence with whatever his stupid brain gives him, even if half the time it’s not appropriate. 

Meeting Phil and letting him down would be—bad. And Dan’s really trying to stop himself from building up this fantasy in his head, where Phil's perfect and everything he’s ever needed. But it’s hard not to when he doesn’t have much else in his life, when the most company he seems to have lately is radio shows and the sound of Phil’s voice over the phone. 

He’s at a horrible point where he doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost that, already losing Sam to a whole other country. Phil’s become a bit of an anchor, and that’s entirely unfair. He shouldn’t be putting people up onto pedestals, shouldn’t be projecting all his fucking hopes and wants onto a person he hasn’t even met. 

Dan considers going into work, he’s that desperate to stop thinking. It’s always been his downfall, how inside his own head he can get. It’s not a nice head to be in, and he’s tried to fix it a million times over. Mediation, therapists, fucking yoga retreats. But he always ends up back here, in a place that’s hard to escape. 

He’s gotten better, though, over the years. He likes to at least try and give himself a little bit of credit for that, for pulling himself back up out the pit he thought he’d be stuck in for the rest of his life. It’d been hard, and he's constantly afraid of being back there, back at his lowest point. He avoids a lot, says no to most things, stays within the walls of his own safety bubble because anything new could knock him back into the dark. 

And Phil is new, Phil is someone who has the potential to send him spiralling. And that’s why he’s so—he has no idea on how to tread. To dive in head first, to accept that someone could like everything that he is. Or to slowly, slowly step back into his comfort zone. Leave Phil outside. But maybe that’s unfair, to leave Phil out of the decision making. 

He paces for too long, makes himself fucking dizzy with it. He wants to keep Phil, but in the capacity he has him in now. In a way that feels safe. But maybe he can push it, just a little bit. 

His alarm goes off, which tells him it’s radio show time. Maybe this’ll calm his mind, just for a little while. 

-

[6:05pm] wanna know something? DH

[6:07pm] Hit me with it. PL

[6:09pm] You could see your nipples through that shirt. DH

[6:11pm] Nooooo!!!! you’re lying. no. they would’ve told me. PL

[6:13pm] watch it back, bozo. DH

[6:15pm] I just thought I could look cool in a white shirt!!! the whole of twitter is just posting pictures of my nipples :(. PL

[6:17pm] they’re very symmetrical. DH

[6:19pm] thanks. That makes me feel so much better. PL

[6:21pm] if it makes u feel better, one time i did someones hair and my fly was undone the whole time. And cos i’m so tall I was literally crotch to eye level. DH

[6:25pm] that person was me. PL

[6:27pm] Oh shutup, it was not. DH

[6:29pm] yee, i got so much plastic surgery. u just don’t recognise me anymore. PL

[6:31pm] whatever, symmetrical nips. DH

[6:33pm] well that’s just a compliment, so idk what you're trying to do there. PL

[6:35pm] Would u ever get a piercing? DH

[6:37pm] I want a tattoo. PL

[6:39pm] ooo, of what? DH

[6:41pm] our spitroast. PL

[6:45pm] god. Imagine actually like going up to a tattoo artist and asking for that. Arrest-able offence. DH

[6:47pm] I can do it myself, I think. PL

[6:49pm] Do you? do you really think? DH

[6:51pm] you sound like you don’t trust me to be capable of self tattooing. PL

[6:55pm] mate, you smack a glass of water of the desk every radio show basically. DH

[6:57pm] yeaaah, but that’s on purpose. Like,. some mischief. Like how a cat would be. PL

[6:59pm] bullshit. DH

[7:31pm] i ignored you for half an hour for food, and for you to think about your actions. PL

[7:35pm] Are you busy? DH

[7:37pm] What ? Right now? Or… in the future? PL

[7:39pm] Obviously right now. DH

[7:41pm] Nooope, Ijust finished dinner. Was gonna hop in the shower, but that can wait if you need something? PL

[7:45pm] I just wondered if you like maybe wanted to zoom? or facetime? or skype… if you’re still living in 2009. DH


End file.
